In intimate relationships, conflicts and disagreements are inevitable.

However, if managed properly, conflicts will not weaken the relationship; rather, they can serve as opportunities to deepen mutual understanding.

The key lies in mastering the skills of listening, expressing, and problem-solving, while avoiding emotional and accusatory communication.

Why do conflicts occur?

1. Differences in Thinking Styles

Men tend to focus on problem-solving, while women are more concerned with expressing emotions.

This difference can easily lead to misunderstandings and dissatisfaction.

2. Differences in Values or Expectations

Differences in views regarding the future, money, family, and other issues can lead to conflicts when an agreement cannot be reached.

3. Flaws in Communication Styles

Negative communication styles, such as blaming, giving the silent treatment, or avoidance, can further worsen the situation.

Detailed Case Analysis

Case 1: Conflict Due to Neglecting Emotions

Xiao Li, who is busy with work, often neglects his girlfriend Xiao Fang’s feelings.

Feeling neglected, Xiao Fang complained during an argument, saying, “You simply don’t care about me.”

Upon hearing this, Xiao Li felt wronged and believed he had already done his best.

Solution

Xiao Li could try proactively inquiring about Xiao Fang's feelings. For example, he might say, “I’ve been quite busy with work lately, but I truly care about what you think. How about we chat together this weekend?”

Xiao Fang could also adjust her way of expressing herself, saying, “I know your work is tough, but sometimes I feel lonely. Could you spend a little more time talking with me?”

Case 2: Differences in Spending Attitudes

Xiao Wang believes that saving money is very important, while his girlfriend Xiao Mei enjoys buying luxury goods.

Their differing spending habits have led to multiple arguments, leaving their relationship at an impasse.

Solution

They could develop a joint financial plan, such as setting savings goals while also allocating some discretionary funds for each of them.

In their communications, they should avoid using words like “waste” or “stingy” and instead explain their feelings and expectations.

Specific Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Calm Your Emotions

Pause the discussion when emotions run high to avoid saying hurtful things in anger. For example, one could say, “I need to calm down; let’s talk later.”

2. Active Listening

Let the other person speak without interruption and then express your understanding. For instance, “I heard you say that you wish I cared more about your feelings.”

3. Express Yourself Using “I” Statements

Avoid accusatory language by starting with “I” to express your needs. For example, “I feel a bit pressured because I wish we could have better financial planning.”

4. Seek a Joint Solution

Find solutions that both parties can accept. For example, when it comes to spending conflicts, try setting a budget that satisfies saving goals while also providing some discretionary spending room.

5. Focus on the Core Issue

Don’t get entangled in trivial details; instead, identify the core issue. For instance, the argument may not be about being late but about the other person feeling neglected.

6. Embrace and Accept Differences

Accept each other’s differing needs and personalities. For example, an extrovert can understand that an introverted partner needs time alone, while an introvert might try to engage in more social activities.

Pitfalls to Avoid

1. The Silent Treatment and Avoidance

The silent treatment can leave issues unresolved for a long time, and avoidance may lead to accumulated conflicts.

2. Arguing Over Who Is Right or Wrong

In intimate relationships, “winning an argument” does not equate to winning affection. The focus should be on creating a harmonious relationship rather than proving oneself right.

3. Bringing Up the Past

Constantly bringing up past mistakes during arguments only makes the other person feel powerless and distrusted.

Psychological Support

1. Gottman’s Four Horsemen Theory

John Gottman pointed out that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and the silent treatment are the four major behaviors that undermine relationships. In contrast, positive expression, building respect, willingness to take responsibility, and timely repair of the relationship are recommended.

2. Nonviolent Communication Theory

Marshall Rosenberg proposed expressing needs and feelings in a nonviolent manner—for example, using “I feel…” instead of “You always…”—which can effectively reduce conflicts.

3. Emotion Regulation Theory

Psychological studies show that when people are emotionally stable, they are more likely to make rational decisions. Therefore, it is especially important to remain calm when discussing issues.

Conclusion

Conflicts are not frightening; what is frightening is ignoring problems or handling them in the wrong way.

By calming emotions, actively listening, and jointly solving problems, both men and women can better face conflicts and build healthier, more stable relationships.